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Planning my moves step by step. Improving my mind and life as I go along. My spring has come.

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This will be updated as time goes on. I will put the link (or username) to each one with a brief sentence about what I will do there.

Got to start at some point.

Wanting to be free and pressure my dreams in life is all I ask for right now. I have no skills, qualifications, certification, unique knowledge, or connections. There is nothing in my back – tools to make my life better or a plan B.

My life is nothing but shambles and I have no stronger desire than to learn what I want and need to chase my ambitions and create my ideal life.

Opening my eyes each days in this current way of life I am living , I grow to hate myself and cannot draw a passion or focus on anything. Finding proper work is near impossible and this filling of guilt, depression, and defeat linger strongly.

Deep down I know it was my fault. . . . My fault to let myself steer so far off course and my fault I let others take from me while putting me into situations I knew I was not ready for.

I regret my mistakes and my lack of resolve. Now all I want is to make it better and proceed to mold my life into the image I’ve always dreamed of or at least something close to it.

Seeing myself satisfied and smiling is what I crave more than anything. Working to develop my skills, learn new ones, make connections, and ultimately both work and live in Japan with my own little business in tow is my dream. Earning a passive income with my own style and business while working for a company that matches me is my ideal goal.

Even if it hurts myself and even others, I have to follow my own path in life and I should never let myself be turned away from my goals. The same goes for anyone else.

Trying to follow another persons aspirations will only lead you to hating them and blaming them for your loss of progress or unhappiness. It’s always better to follow your own path regardless of others. If anything it’s better to find somebody who shares similar goals or can just boost your motivations. Not hurts a relationship more than misplaces anger and a difference in life goals.

Chase what you want and always looks for your happiness.

Hard to believe it has seriously come to this

In all honesty I do not where to start with this post. I feel as though it is probably good to start the from beginning, but keep it brief.

So, I been in a relationship with my first and current girlfriend for a little over six years now. We met in high-school – I was a sophomore and she was a freshmen. (keep those two details in mind)

Along our “relationship” we’ve had our normal ups and down as would normal relationship have, right? Wrong.

We’ve done nothing for most of our relationship, but fight, bicker about stupid things that make no sense, she’s broken up with me more times than I care to count, and we never see eye to eye.

Our verbal agreement to be a exclusive couple has only brought more bad than good into my life.

Of course I am sure in her own words she would say the same about me, but she’s actually said to my face all her feelings and irritations so, it’s not like I have to assume anything.

In her mind she want’s this perfect story book dream that will never come true and while I do respect and understand her romantic feelings and desires it doesn’t mean she can force me to change myself more then I have already.

For an example of our ridiculous our relationship is I’ll tell you quickly about an argument we had recently.

During her cycle she had a white back carrying green pads to the washroom. Now, I was watching anime on my tablet laying down having a nice relaxing time. When she walked back into the room the bright in white bag caught my attention, so I glance at the bag for like 0.2 seconds and went back to watching anime.

Now mind you than when something catches your eye you cannot help, but sate your curiosity and look. I did not stare forever, ask her any questions or bother her in any way whatsoever. I glanced and than continued watching anime like nothing.

For only God knows why, she seriously got angry with me and yelling at saying why am I looking at her bag? why I’m not minding my own damn business, etc.

We got into a heated argument for a whole hour about why I looked at a damn bag for 0.2 seconds. Her reasoning for my glancing at said bag were only something a person high on drugs or with a few to many lost brains cells would think up.

Now onto current events. Last night we had a three hour long conversation about marriage. I do not know why or how it started, but we both sat down like two mature adults and we both expressed our sides and dreams as far as marriage goes and how we see it playing out.

Starting with myself, I told her (to best sum it up) that I want to be well prepared and stable in my life. I do not see myself getting married anytime soon, because for one I am only 22, I barely stop being a kid (which I still feel like now). Marriage is something I would start to consider at the latest 35 because by that point I know I would have achieve most of what I wanted and would be happy to find something to be with if anything.

Now aside from that, my views on marriage are pretty loose. I do not see a need to get married for show I am truly committed or anything similar to that. I can show my love and be committed just fine without being married. Basically I would be totally happy being with someone without ever getting married.

To rap up my side. I ended by telling her “those are just my ideals. I am open to being convinced to marry sooner rather than later, but right now I just do not feel stable or ready at all.”

Now for her side of this.

She started off by saying she loves me deeply and if I was to ask her to marry me right now she would 100% say yes, She was upset that I said my ideal point to start worrying about marriage. Her ideal marriage is time based because she feels that after being together for about five to six years – the couple should start considering marriage.

She gave an example by saying that if she met somebody in college and got into her career, than the same time line would apply in that case to, but the only difference is that we aren’t at that point. (what she’s saying is to rebuttal me because I want to have my life together before I worry about marriage, but because we met in high school and my life is not like that, it should not interfere with her getting married because I am not where I want to be.)

She expressed how my love is not the same as hers and how she wants somebody who can stay on cloud nine forever and always. Always going above and beyond to show their love like a new couple that just got together basically. In other words she’s the type of girl who likes monthly anniversaries and posting each other on social media every 2 seconds.

If you are not doing that all throughout the relationship than she believes the relationship is pointless and the love is not there anymore.

Over our entire conversation we said many things and voiced many opinions. In the end she ended up denying that my love was good not good enough and that this entire relationship was pointless if I wasn’t going to marry her like in the next two years or maybe three.

I told her I love her just as strongly as she loves me, I just don’t sit on cloud nine anymore to show it. She obviously wasn’t happy with that and brushed it off. Saying if I didn’t plan on marrying her anytime soon than there was no point in us in even being together anymore.

The funny thing is we live together, so she told me word for word. “any normal person after having this conversation would pack up and leave tomorrow.”

She’s the one with her name on another lease, but always tries to kick me out when I have nowhere else to go.

She tried hyping herself up saying how she’s always working so hard and she kept this job because she know’s I have no places else to live (though she has already expressed that even if I did not resign the lease with her she keeping the apartment because she doesn’t want to go backwards and her little sister lives with is so that’s another thing.

Her little sister is 16 and is suppose to be living with her legal guardian, but she’s here because they had a disagreement or some crap about her having a job. At any rate, they both have someplace BY LAW to go back to, yet she’s always trying to guilt trip me or tell me to leave.

Friday morning she left for work and than called her sister to come in here and wake me up, so she could tell me I should pack up and leave. Somewhere in her weird head she created a words and tried to put them in my mouth.

This is what she told me “As you said yesterday the only reason why you are still in this relationship is because you have no where else to go, I feel that you should leave

I told her I did not feel like I was ready for marriage yet, and she expressed how that means I don’t love her and am not willing to commit to her forever.

Marriage is suppose to special for both people involved. It is the connection of two souls becoming one and the expressiveness of both love and happiness among other things.

And here’s the supposed most romantic person around being just sacrificed taking papers to a court room and than walking back out “married” for her first (and hopefully only) marriage.

She’s threatening to break up with me and tried kicking me our several times because she believes what she believes and if I don’t line up with her beliefs I might as well be trash.

Her attitude and how she treats me has changed since I met her. She still only care about her way or the highway, she never thinks about what I want or feel and always ignores my dreams and desire.

She treats me like shit, tells me my love is not good enough and threatens me into homelessness if I don’t marry her sooner rather than soon.

How would I ever in my life marry somebody like that.

I told her that a man (me) needs to feel secured, like he has something better offer. I may have known you since high-school, but we were kids, the only thing I was worried about were my grades and being happy I had a girl I could kiss on. Marriage? I am not some noble from an old world anime who is a legal adult at fifteen.

I only been a legal adult for what seems like seconds and you’re telling me to start thinking about marriage when I can’t even stay in college or find a job and keep it?

I can’t even offer you help as your boyfriend. Our lives are terrible and we can’t even keep bills and rent paid off, let alone keep food in the house among other things. We get into so many fights and arguments and you always trying to break up with me and kick me out, but you want to turn this sad excuse of a man into a husband? just so you can start complaining about wanting a divorce and how things ain’t changing.

I told her all of this to her face. That she would be happy and satisfied just getting some cheap ring and going to a court room for like ten minutes? That was her idea and I was so stunned that she couldn’t see how crazy she sounded. Like all the logic is just not there and she was speaking on pure desires alone.

Before we went to sleep I told her that we were being mature and respecting each other points and ideals, which she also was surprised at how mature she was being because she’s always a big fucking cry baby and whiner when anything doesn’t go her way. (I was more surprised she actually knows she a fucking psychopath)

At any rate, I told her I was starting to lose my mature nature because once you lay everything out on the table you just start summarizing things. All I could make out from what she was telling me is “fuck you, you don’t love me, this relationship was pointless, if you don’t marry me really soon, than go marry an ally.” She didn’t once deny it, all she said was she can’t help how she feels.

I told her. ” I do not feel like a man, when a man starts considering marrying the woman he has been with, he’s looking for signs and thing about himself and his life. He steadies his mind and soul and exams himself very hard. After coming to a conclusion the man pulls in the world around me and ask himself questions, maybe even remaindering what others have said her this partner. After deciding its the next step he does what needs to be done.

Of course I know it can happen all kinds of ways, but this is the way I am most familiar with and that resides with me. I have nothing to offer her, I cant make her life better and because of my views of marriage, I most am not just gonna marry her all crazy cause she throws a fit and wants to be married. I let her take the little money I get and flip my all kinds of crazy.

I told her all she would be doing is turning her useless boyfriend into a useless husband, but it just doesn’t click with her. She also wants kids and we can’t even take care of ourselves and she just wants to be another poor black couple living off the government and taking an infant on the bus.

She’s tainted by these poor and discriminatory lifestyle and without even seeing it she’s trying to trap herself and me in this life that I’ve been begging to get out of since I was little.

I respect her wishes and desires and I know I cannot tell her she’s wrong because I know there are many people who follows shows loves and how I do things.

I told her I am not ready for marriage, and that in my both and soul when I think about, nothing clicks and says its time. I sit here chilling, playing the game and I am happy to just be doing that. I can’t image a ring on my finger and having a wife. I just want to go to school, find my walks of life and build something for myself.

I want to go to Japan, see the world, travel, have fun, and experience life the way I have always dreamed of.

Shes wants to get married by 24, start having kids sooner maybe, buy a house, and settle down doing only what she wants. all before 30 is what she says.

We both agreed that we are very different and that’s fine. I do not regret ever being with her and she feels the same. She just wants to be married, but I am not ready for that yet.

I have not told her my dreams in full about wanted to live in Japan and all that, I been having this dream long since before I knew her, but to tell her now after I let her trap in this apartment with nowhere to go would be suicide. She took my paycheck did what what she wanted with it 2 days ago and than tries to kick me out once she makes me broke.

When I leave this apartment it’s gonna be on my terms, not hers.

Why would I ever marry somebody who was so easily ready to kick me out at the drop of a hat? As her boyfriend she know’s she has freedom to do that, if I married her, it’s not that easy.

She told me I am afraid of commitment and of being alone, but I just won’t admit it. She sounded so cocky and sure of herself, like she solved a mystery of my mind or something.

I happen to know she’s just a desperate crazy bitch, who only ever gave me gray hairs, took my life from me, threw me in all kinds of debt, my me feel like less of man, never encouraged me or believed in me, threw my love and compassion back in my face whenever I showed it to her, has a few screws loose, never knew discipline so she needs her fucking shit smacked in, the list keeps going, BUT!

I don’t ever say any of that because I know I am better than that.

The truth is no, I do not have any intention of marry her, our relationship in truth, should have ended basically where it started, but for some off reason it dragged on all this time.

Yes, I love her,

Yes, I do not wish her harm or a bad life. I want for her to achieve everything she sets out to do.

Her life just does not involve me because we are not a match and we should be together at all. Why does somebody have to feel rushed or be constantly threatened into being married? If we were truly meant to be together she would be acting like that or saying those things and it would just happen naturally.

She has all right to leave and start another six year journey with another man (or woman) I hope they don’t have this conversation.

So for me, no my life is meant to go elsewhere I have big plans and being honest. The longer I stay with her the future get pushed back. My partner should not be delaying my progress in life and she’s doing just that. I am sure in some way I am doing the same to her. By not having a good job, by not becoming a man, letting her push me around instead of holding myself up like a real adult.

One thing she said to me is true though. She told me that it’s up to me to do something about it. (she meant pack up and leave, but I’ll pretend it meant something else) I need to be my own man and stop leaning on others, I need to figure out what is truly is do not know about this world and go figure it out,

Who am I on my own? what can I accomplish when I do not have others holding me back? Without expectations weighing me down?

There are these questions and more, so it’s up to me to do something. She’s has her plans all together she told me about them during the conversation and I could not help but see she really is gonna move forward and she cares not if I get left behind. Shes only worried about herself and getting me to do what she wants. I know for a fact that’s not the kind of woman I would marry. Keeping me down, but always asking me for more and when I try to give it you spit in my face.

I have to get my own life together. I can’t worry about her, just like she’s not worried about me.

Well from her own lying words, she only stays at that job for my sack, when we both know that was a lie. She loves trying t guilt trip me and it’s funny how she believes me so stupid.

At any rate that was all.

Marriage is something I am not considering. We both have our ideals, dreams, and goals. All I hope is that we both chase our goals to the fullest and makes our dreams a reality.

Truthfully it’s just not something we can do together because we only drag each other down and it’s not helping either one of us.

Ancient Historic Site Gone

500 – 600 year old Shurijo Castle burned down today and I just can’t believe it.

This is a castle I will never get to see in person. I will only ever be able to view it’s glory in photos or videos. It is easy to miss these types of chances in life and it only strengthens my desire to get to Japan ASAP.

I wish I could have viewed that beautiful relic of the past in person.

We must treasure and love what is there for it serves us as a reminder of our past and how much growth we’ve made.

How many more chances will slip pass before their all gone?

Does not seem like it’s getting any better.

I know for a fact life does not go the way we hope it would. I was notified two weeks ago that my gas would be disconnected and I have looked into every means I could think of to not let that happen. I spoke with family, tried agencies, applied to aid offices and even thought about selling stuff, but nothing worked out for me.

Being at a loss like this with no furniture, worrying about gas, rent still being over due, and not being able to just buy the things I need is very depression and takes a toll on a person after so long.

Each day becomes darker than the last and every hour is filled is dread and worry. I am sitting here mooching off this open WiFi connection, just to look for jobs, watch anime, and check my email.

I would like to say that I am told by those who like to nosy (but offer no assistance) that I should be grateful about where I am now, and all I do is say sure and leave.

So I should be grateful that I could lose this apartment any day? I should be grateful I am racking up debt and bills? I should be grateful I can’t find a job or by another pair of shoes or clothes that actually fit me?

Of course to others I should be grateful to have a roof over my head, or a television to look at, or someplace that’s not outside.

All I have to say is….

I DO NOT BASE MY SITUATION OR HAPPINESS OFF OTHERS PEOPLES LIFE!

A person who is well off or does not worry about what I am worrying about has no right to tell me to be grateful and a person who is in the same boat as me has no business telling calm down.

I was able to snag several interviews; I wasted money printing out resumes, making copies, and getting to them only to be told no to each one.

HOW IS THAT SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL ABOUT?!?!

I am starting to not feel grateful about anything because before I can do anything I need a job.

What hurts the most is that nobody cares or understands. They just think I am complaining, not trying to do anything, just want handouts, am purposely being lazy.

I walk to job interviews sometimes even when they are far away from me, my phone hasn’t had service in over a year so all I can do is take screens shots of where I need to go and just hope I get there in time.

I am always applying to jobs, calling them over and over again and applying some more. I made it a point to always apply to at least five or 10 jobs a day and be sure to go down my list to recall placed every other day, but not to much so I do not annoy them.

Other than that I have nothing to do, but sit here as things happen and fight with my girlfriend who is understandably tired or footing everything and has to worry about her sister who has been living with us the pass three and a half months.

It was easy to manage the emotional stress, but once she got here I can do anything about it now and it’s like the girl knows this, but continues to add to the stress by acting like my girlfriend is rich. This only makes her feel bad when she has to always turn her down and than we get into a fight because I can’t make progress.

I just can’t catch a break and all the money I get to even do all this printing and going to interviews is coming from her.

Everyday I wish so hard that this was an anime world where I came into town, join a guild, and was making money like that. I could go out into the world and use actions so easily to make a living. People see my efforts and want to join me. Sooner or later I have my own crew, plenty of money, and nothing to worry about.

In this day and age I cry that there are so many variables, statuses, racial issues, financial gaps, and everything in between those that make a nice comfortable life impossible or extremely difficult to grasp.

Life is just getting harder and harder to bare. I’m down to eating roman noodles everyday with the occasional hot dog or bologna sandwich.

I want to believe that there is a version of me in the future living the live I’ve always dreamed of. living in Japan being an English teacher, blogging and writing, having my very own online business. I am able to play games, watch anime, build my collections, and not have to worry about things anymore.

I want to in that version of myself so badly.

Life just does not seem to be getting any easier or better for me. I hope the day that all ends is fast approaching because I cannot take it anymore.

The pain I feel never leaves because it stays my closest friend.

Constant Rings and Loops

Things continue to circle, going around and around. This constant movement never changes creating a state of mind that feels listless and void of feeling or meaning.

The doubt I feel within my own heart causes me to think in this pattern forming this and endless ring of doubt, fear, pain, and depression.

Nothing ever changes and what is a person to do when they feel trapped? concealed within a pattern than seems to never change or crumble. Some may say to forge your own path, others may lend words of encouragement, but does any of those words really help?

It is within the spirit of a person to determine that, but in my own experience. . . . It does not help in the slightest.

Suffocation is all I experience and the agony of expecting better, but only receiving worse. When you do more and only get less. The reward does not outweigh the cost of the project and after so long of this constant pattern, I feel it taking it’s toll on me.

Waiting in a ferries wheel as it makes it cycles with the windows so dark I cannot see a thing, the air is hot and stuffy only making the heat worse. I hear my heart beating among the sound of my breathing and time feels to be at a stand still.

I want to leave so badly to take a breath of fresh and see the sun shining high, but for whatever reason I am trapped here, forced to endure this torment.

The reason(s) I write here

This blog is not really a “business professional” one and with all the weird and depressing writings I have here, I would not even try to turn it into such a thing.

I created this blog without my real name or pictures on it because I wanted to vent without being known, it helps me feel a bit more comfortable.

Blogging on this account I made has only been for the fun of it. To talk about things I enjoy in any manner I wish to do so among other things. Like how a YouTuber makes a second channel so they can talk about other things not brand related to their original.

I actually do have a second account made, but I have not posted anything on it because I would like it to be my real work blog for when I can truly get my general niche idea(s) together and start working on blogs.

I know for a fact nothing is wrong with having multiple topics or having a topic with varying subcategories, but its hard to boil it down when I do have a lot to work with. Until I get a general outline together I write and enjoy myself here.

Even in the future when I get the other blog and website going I’ll still post here. Though I may need to delete this blog or completely overhaul it because the name, Demi FoxGod, is suppose to be my online alias and I probably should not let it be connected to all this negative and bad stuff.

I enjoy writing and being able to express myself in my own style. I hate the stuffiness and repetitiveness of most other occupations. I love photography, and role-playing. The freedom of creating and going to that new destination gives me joy and simple pleasure.

I want to master the pin, become more creative, expand my vocabulary, and have amazing conversations about all kinds of things. I may enjoy being alone, but I just never find the right people to open up with.

I write to free myself from this world and take my mind to explore another.

I write because it is apart of me that screams for development and to be recognized.

I write because it gives me peace of mind and is something that only I van control and it is not held down, by the normal standards of life.

My own path

Creating change for myself is something that will be quite a difficult to thing do, but it is not entirely impossible. I want to live a happy life, experiences new foods, people, and cultures.

I know that dream life awaits me, I just have to create my path to get there.

Simple words, Epic dream

Living in Japan is my dream, it is a goal I have set for myself. An aspiration build atop a shattered man. My very own wish upon a star and the thing I would give anything to have come true.

Though my life simple and future uncertain, I reach to the sky each day hoping that soon I will be one of those passengers flying around the great blue sky heading to that great land.

Getting it off my chest

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I still do not understand what it truly means to “grow-up” or “be a man”. What I do know is that I want to live a better life than what I am forced to deal with now.

To wake up and not have to worry about my next paycheck; to live and be free, to experience something new, get out of my comfort zone, and do what my heart desires.

For the very few who know me, my motto in life has always been, “I want to live my life simply and happily.” I prefer to not complicate things, avoid unnecessary conflicts, and remain to myself when there is no need to communicate with others.

When it comes down to it, I enjoy being alone, but the occasional hanging out is alright.

Back to the point.

Life is full of complications and the higher (or lower) you go on the ladder of prosperity changed the types and varieties of complications, no matter how great or small they are.

I myself deal with a large variety of problems, but it is how I approach these issues that will determine my path, personality, lifestyle, and people I meet.

How does what deal find and acquire a job? Depending on where a person is in life the prerequisites, as I shall call them, changes drastically. For example, a person with two well of parent whom of which have many connections could easily help their child (or young adult) secure a well paying job. While someone with say two very bad parents whom of which can barely afford rent and keep the bills paid, would not be able to offer any assistance at all.

Now you can shuffle that deck of cards as many times as you can count people on this earth and there will always be a different person with a different hand dealt.

I was dealt a very bad hand.

One parent who loves drugs, cared little for her children (still does not), starved us half our lives, and never taught us anything. My siblings father treated me life crap, would beat me in my mother place (cause I would try an protect her), and refused to teach me anything growing up, but gave the world to my siblings if he could.

I grew up never asking for anything and hating the people around me.

When I would step outside it was only to be greeted by bullies who would beat me up, jump me, steal my things, and spit on me. Adults who lived around me would only watch as I struggled and cried, never helping me. My own mother or my siblings father left me to myself. As I was constantly beat up and protecting my siblings from my bullies.

The few friends I would make moved away just as fast as we meet and that would only be if they did not turn on me and start bullying me as well.

My smiles never lasted long, my laughs lasted less. Soon I hated going outside, asking for anything, approaching people, or trying to make friends.

My social anxiety is at an all that high and my self-esteem beat to the point of no return. Family knew all and saw all, but left me to my struggle only giving me words of encouragement or pity.

I’ve grown to become quite the nice person it seems. Whenever I earn money I will buy a homeless person some food and drink if I happen pass such a person on my route. I treat all people super friendly (even though it’s super difficult to interact with them for many reasons), I always try to listen and help others, and I always remain polite, no matter who I am speaking with.

Why am I life this?

I feels it is because I know it feels to be down at rock bottom, it’s hard in life and I understand first hand all the wrongs and negatives on this side of the street. Of course there are many variables to things like why people are homeless or types of social anxiety, but I can explain more in-depth about that another time.

There are many, many, many things that were bad in my life, but I only laid out what I felt were the most life-changing actions. I want more out of life, but I hate things like lying on my resume or doing illegal things to earn money, besides, living in america where cops 2.5 times more likely to arrest me for no reason, kill me because I am African american, or berate me cause I am different and they have power issues, I do not really need to be playing into their broken system anymore then my skin color already does.

So lets add this up shall we.

I am a young (22) African american male who grew up with the stereotypical no father and drug addict parent life, I live in the broken ghetto where people are always shooting and dying. Cops are super oppressive, I am forced to play into a broken system designed to keep me down, so due to my skin color people are less likely to hire me right off the back at a good job. I have no talents, skills, money, or connections, or degree under my belt, so I am stuck looking for crappy paying jobs that for some reason or another will not hire me. Of course a couple of those things people would just say, “do it yourself, you’re grown now.”, but in a perfect world, your parents would be helping you, until you graduate college basically, am I wrong? An eighteen year old is still a child in more way than one, all they did was graduate high school. I grew up bullied, beat up by my siblings parent and others, therefore, breaking my trust and faith in others.

All in all, I have been dealt a pretty fucked up hand from birth, and while most people would and have told me to “be grateful” I listen and say, “you’re right. and I wave as they walk off to their perfect little life making tons of money and living my dreams.

Words of encouragement and pity hurt my feelings more than an insult which makes me laugh.

Change in life is not easy and when you’ve been dealt a shitty hand, it’s apparently up to luck or some pretty good math skills to turn it around, but after 22 years of living like this and always getting D’s or F’s in math, it is quite apparent I lack both those traits.

Another Day, Another Issue

When does a person realize something needs to change?

Is it when you start having a difficult time? or maybe somebody notifies you of said change being required.

Either way, when you finally figure out change is needed the next set of steps would figuring out the process of creating the change.

In my case I have not had a job in almost a year and when I say job, I mean a real job that pays the bills and not some job that paid me $80 to $150 every two weeks like I am a high school student.

If it was not for my girlfriend and her well paying job I would be completely homeless with nowhere to go. It saddens me because all she wants to do is go to school and focus on getting her degree, she doesn’t want to be stuck doing this.

over the last 11 almost 12 months, I’ve applied to all sorts of jobs, nonstop. I know for a fact I have applied to at least 300 jobs or so by now and half of those jobs have either rejected me, never gave me a response, or waste what little money she has to offer to go to an interview and come home with no job.

I recently went to an interview earlier this week and a manager there actually vouched for me to get hired. the hiring manager told me I would hear back by the end of this week, but I have yet to get a response and she is not even at work today.

I know for a fact I did not get hired (even though she was hiring multiple people) and that I am not one of the people she will hire because my luck is that bad.

It becomes tiring looking up jobs, trying to see what is new to apply to, what fits me, and what I might be able to get to.

Another day just because another problem and I do not know how to remedy it.

I’ve even gone to a staffing agency, but their hardly helping me at all.

I’ve tried applying for unemployment, but I don’t even qualify for anything.

I have my resume up on so many different job websites that I get phone calls from scammers trying to intimidate me out of my birthday and Social Security number.

My girlfriend is so tired and upset that we almost got into a fight because I didn’t give my information to a scammer, she believed this person was trying to get me a job.

The desperation is real right now for us both.

We’ve even fought about how I should leave the apartment since I do not pay for anything and I am just living here free basically. Her little sister lives here now due to circumstances, which is another reason that the argument was brought up.

And who a I to blame her? I understand the situation and her feelings, I am not totally mad, but it does hurt. I know my issues, are stressing her and she made it clear that my leaving would be a burden off her shoulders.

It’s hurts me that I am burdening her because I am struggling, that I seems to be holding her back. It hurts that she feels this way as well.

I’ve been looking into homeless shelters, but where I live they have strict guidelines and paper work before they actually help me. We aren’t married, but our names are on a lease together, her income is still technically mines as well since its considered to be apart of the household.

I wouldn’t even be able to get into a homeless shelter because you also have to be homeless for a certain amount of time.

You see where my struggles go? I can’t even be homeless without having issues and that’s funny as heck.

My depression is even deeper than when I was in my early teen years or even preteens. Everyday only gives me a reason to hate living and being told to keep my head up only makes me feel as though the sky is just the ground and people are insulting me.

Why was I born to such bad people? a mother who never took care of us properly and only did drugs, a father I never knew, and a man who acted as an abusive dictator and became nothing but fear-incarnate to me.

I was never taught anything, never given good advice, only ever told to keep my head up and things will get better. The family that could take me away and make my life better just stood by and did nothing as me and my siblings slept on cold grounds, in strangers basements, or suffered beatings for no damn reason.

I can’t trust family, all they ever do is burden you with problems and only show up to be nosy, or when somebody dies.

when I was growing up I imaged being so many different things, from the classic vet to a fire fighter. I dreamed of driving my own car, working a nice job, visiting places I liked, and even telling my mom when I grew up I’d take care of her and my grandma when I make loads of money.

I see now it was just my innocence talking and the lady who birthed me only wanted extra money on her link card and to have the government pay for her homes.

Sure, people are doing worse than me, sure people are doing better than be, and once again sure, it could be worse, but right now I am here and I am worrying about what I am going through.

My dreams have all been crushed, hopes shattered, and fantasies obliterated. All I see is a world full hardships and I know nothing about how to survive in it.

Another day to me is just another trouble added to my list. What are my next steps? what am I suppose to do? I am tried of trying to do something and getting nothing in return. I am not getting anywhere. I need somebody to point me in the right direction. I do not need anymore encouragement or keep moving on phrases.

What I need is something concrete, what I need is money, what I need is help. What I need. . . . Is that person who puts there hand on my shoulder and gives me the help I am looking for.

That’s all I could ever ask for right now.